Conspiracies - © Loudon Wainwright III
We don’t believe in ‘You Know Who’,
But we don’t let the kids know it,
We’re parents, we’re grown ups,
There’s a line, we have to toe it.
But we’re part of a conspiracy
About this bearded big fat guy,
Who isn’t real, who never lived,
Who’s old, but doesn’t die.
We went to the department store,
We climbed out on that limb,
Told the kids that it was ‘You Know Who’
We said that bum was him.
Then we placed them on his knee
To me, the knee seemed rather bony
Happily they sat there though
Chatting with that phony.
Told the kids we could provide the proof
The deceit, how I hate it
We put out the milk and cookies
Yes I admit I drank and ate it
Then that fib about the North Pole
As if any elves could live there
We helped to write and send that letter
Knowing full well it went nowhere.
‘You Know Who’ comes down the chimney
How could such a fat man fit?
The whole thing is preposterous
Yet we get children to buy it.
We have no shame, the lies pile up
You’d think at least we’d balk
When we sing of red nosed reindeer
And snowmen who dance and talk.
Well it’s just a harmless story
Of fairy tales and Christmas fun
Not unlike that other theory
The one about God’s son.
Where angels talk to shepherds
Wise men troop after a star,
And a virgin has a baby
Boy, that’s fetched pretty far.
But we adults buy that conspiracy
We toe and swallow that old line
Disappearing milk and cookies
What about that bread and wine?
It’s enough to make you hesitate
It’s enough to give you pause
Perhaps it’s just as crucial
Kids believe in… ‘You Know Who’