Monday, 3 October 2011

A Little Subdued...

Hi, I hope you're well. I've been absent for the last couple of weeks, and I just thought I'd pop in and explain why.

A couple of days after my last blog post, we suffered a family bereavement. Obviously I don't want to go into all the details, but suffice to say it was very sudden and unexpected, and we're all having a really difficult time coming to terms with it. I can't quite believe that it's happened, and that I'm never going to see this person again. I suppose in a little way I'm in a kind of denial. I keep expecting to see them, just walking down the street, and then we find out that it was all a mistake. I know they say "time's a healer", and deep down I think I believe that, although at the moment I feel as though I'm never going to heal, as though I'm never going to get over this. Every now and again, the realisation of what's happened hits me, and it's like being kicked in the chest, or getting an electric shock - it kind of takes my breath away, makes me jump. The last couple of weeks have been awful, there has been lots to sort out, lots of arrangements to make. I've been off work but today was my first day back, so I guess it's kind of the first day of trying to 'get back to normal'.

I've only just started catching up on my favourite blogs - seeing other people getting on with their lives actually made me a little bit sad, because it made me think of the person - and the life - that we've lost, but it also kind of comforted me too. I'm slowly starting to think about the things I was doing 'before' - my crochet, reading, writing this blog etc - and I think I'm gradually feeling like I want to get back to them. I suppose there's the whole 'guilt' issue - it doesn't seem right to be enjoying things after what happened. I watched a comedian on tv last night and was laughing out loud - I didn't think anything of it at the time, but today at work I remembered and felt bad that I'd been laughing, and had almost, for a moment, forgotten everything else. But you can't stay sad forever, can you? I hope all of this doesn't make me sound selfish, like it's all about me, because that isn't what I mean. I suppose it's that other cliche that "life goes on" - the last two weeks have been all about this awful thing that's happened, and I think I need to start thinking about other things now. Sorry, I'm kind of waffling. I know what I want to say, but it's hard to find the words to say it.

I missed Strictly Come Dancing on Friday and Saturday night, but I caught up with it on iplayer on Sunday. I didn't have time to blog about it, and didn't really feel like it anyway, and to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm going to bother blogging about it at all, despite the whole 'announcement' a couple of posts back. It was quite nice at the weekend just being able to watch it and not think about what to write! Although I enjoyed it, and I'm sure I'll keep watching, I just don't think I've got the same level of enthusiasm as I did a couple of years back. So I thought I'd mention a few other SCD blogs that are definitely worth reading, if you're interested (and if you don't already know about them):

Monkseal is pretty much the definitive blog about all things Reality TV - very funny, with great screen caps

Strictly Come Bitching is another really funny/sarcastic one, but without any pics, although it's so descriptive you don't really need them

Strictly Come Blogging is a brief, but informative, rundown of the show, and contains videos of all the routines

Why Miss Jones is just an entertaining blog, whatever she's talking about, but her Strictly posts are always a good laugh. I basically have 'blog envy' when it comes to Miss Jones!

There are others, but these are my favourites, and I think I'd rather read their recaps than write my own!

I haven't done my monthly garden photos yet; I'll try and get around to it, although it's a shame I didn't do them this weekend while it was sunny, because it looks like the weather is about to take a dramatic turn for the worse over the next few days. I also haven't been doing the Scavenger Hunt, despite really enjoying the first one that I did, but I've noticed one of the things on this month's list is a black cat - "Mischief!! I need a model!!" So I might have another go this time (famous last words!)

Anyway, I think that's all for now. I hope I haven't depressed you, I just wanted to explain why I might be a bit quiet and subdued for a while.

Bye for now

5 comments:

  1. Oh Michelle, sorry to hear you've been having a tough time. And its OK to feel all those things - I can remember feeling angry that people couldn't tell that something awful had happened in my life. Irrational I know, but difficult to manage at the time. You just have to give yourself time to grieve and do things as you're ready to cope with them. I'm not sure about the time is a healer thing - it gets less sharp and raw but you always miss the people we lose, it just becomes a more appreciative missing rather than such a painful one. You will get to a point when you can think of that person with happy memories rather than such intense sadness. Hope that all makes sense, thinking of you Sx

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  2. Bless you dear girl. Bereavement is horrendous...I am so sorry to hear of your loss. A sudden loss is a huge shock and you need to be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve and share your thoughts and emotions - it's all part of the healing process.
    I find it very hard to accept the world carries on spinning when a loved one dies. I lose both grandparents last year, very suddenly, within 9 months of each other. Yes they were old, yes they had a good innings and all the other cliches but it didn't help me accept their deaths. Now, I still think of them masses during the day, I still pick up the phone to all them (we were exceptionally close), I STILL buy the odd postcard to send them before remembering the sadness and hurt of why I can't write to them and it pains me to know I can't ever see them again. I don't think I will ever get over the deaths. The worst thing is knowing you will never see them again. Whilst they say time is a great healer, for me, I just feel it's nearly a year since I last saw my grandfather and that stretch of time will just increase.
    I feel your pain and sadness. My heart goes out to you.
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  3. Sorry I was typing fast. I HATE leaving errors and I spotted a few above. Forgive moi! xx

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  4. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way. You know we all grieve in different ways and length of time however I am sure that lovely person you have said goodbye to would not want you to forget how to laugh and live your life to the max.....all in your own time and don't feel guilty for feeling other than sad.
    xxx Sandi

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  5. Hi, thank you all for your comments. I'm sorry that I didn't reply earlier, but I did take comfort from your words, they were very much appreciated.

    Sandra and Gem, I think you're both right with what you said about time being a healer. It's been about a month now, and the emotions are a bit less raw, but there's obviously still a lot of sadness and regret. I know, one day, I won't always be as upset as I have been, but I also know that I'll never completely get over this.

    You're right too, Sandi, I know I shouldn't feel guilty for having happier moments, or enjoying myself again. The first couple of weeks after it happened, I was completely immersed in it, there was a lot to sort out, but I've gradually been having more 'me' time when I try not to think about it and do the kind of things that I enjoy, like spending the evening crocheting, and I think that's definitely helping.

    Thank you again for your kind thoughts xx

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